Friday, November 13, 2009

The Wife: Not Baby's Mama

I thought I'd post this blog from a topic broached by a friend on Twitter.  What is a wife.  What is a "good wife?"  And how do we teach the young ladies of today how to be a wife, and not a "baby's mama?"

Wife:  a female partner in a marriage

That's Merriam-Webster's definition of marriage.  Here's mine:
         A partner for life to love, honor, cherish, discuss with, fight with, brawl with, be vulnerable with.

The wife is not being enslaved or subjugated, but working as a partner to raise children; make it through this madness in one piece.  My marriage of almost 23 years has not always been a bed of roses, and I'd be lying if I told you that.  I consider myself a good wife.  Why?  Because I have stuck through it with a man that I love, honor, cherish, discuss with, fight with, brawl with, and am vulnerable with.  And because of this, both my husband and myself teach our daughters how not to end up as another statistic:  the baby mama.  Not to choose reproduction over marriage.  Instilling into them that if a man is not "good enough" to marry, why would you have children with them?

The role of the woman has changed.  Back in the days when fire was first created (circa 1960 and prior), women wore a different suit than today's woman.  She was a wife, chief cook, and bottle washer.  There were definitive roles for both men and women.  She was taught by her mother how to keep house and tend to children.  A man was taught how to bring home the bacon and manage his household. He was often the disciplinarian; bringing the children back into line when they crossed it.  That's where the term "wait 'til your father gets home" came from. 

In the years I've been here on planet Earth I've seen things change, and not for the better.  Many of the problems arose when women entered the workforce back in the 1960s not because we had to for economic necessity, but because we wanted to show men that we were equal:  that we could do everything they could.  Things started spiraliing downhill as more and more women entered the working world as our young ones were left at day cares, or even to fend for themselves.  The mentality that a woman can be both a mother AND a father further created the divide we see today.  As we became more sexually aware, more "out there," the desire to have a man as a husband waned.  The divorce rate increased; the marriage rate decreased. 

The baby mama-drama stems from all this.  The need for women to feel empowered:  being the one in control of every aspect of her life, especially reproduction.  With the man being a mere sperm donor, he does not feel the need to stay around.  And the cycles continues as yet another generation of women feel the need to leave menfolk out of their family equation.  Men are not off the hook for creating this mess.  Since they've been severed from the role of provider for the family unit, they figure they might as well take advantage of not having any responsibility at all in regards to raising children.  There is chaos pursuant to NEITHER party willing to create a bond of man-woman-child. 

Now that society has created a new mindset on family and family values you have to ask yourselves:  will we ever go back to the time when a man and a woman raised children together?  To set up a firm foundation with the man or woman before there is reproduction?  Is there a stigma attached to those who choose to marry, and not simply reproduce? 

So many questions:  so many choices.   

rainwriter jones


  1. I doubt the young people of today even know the consequenses of how raising children will impact their lives. Times have changed, but the ideals of thinking that "love will conquer all" has not, even if it's misguided. As a single parent from the time my son was 2, it's not that I didn't want to work on it, but rather that it seemed impossible. that respect, there's no time for crying while you have a baby to raise, it's time to make money, be mom and dad and take care of business. Do I wish I had the husband and daddy and the white picket fence sometimes (?), sure, but it didn't happen. I have no regrets, being the ex, the baby momma or more importantly the single person that has been there since day one for my kid has given me more in return than any man ever has.
    Being a good wife is commendable, but it can't happen if a spouse or partner isn't there in body or in spirit. Lucky for you that you made a good choice in choosing your partner in your journey. Many of us didn't, and mant more won't, but life continues on, it's in our DNA to propegate the species even if it's a really bad idea.

  2. Swan: I understand where you are coming from. Many of us try to make choices that will eventually turn out in a positive result. Sometimes life AND love is a crap shoot: you just never know how it will turn up.

    I speak to those who purposely do not want to have a male in the lives of their children, but just to have a child without any real support systems whatsoever. Putting themselves in ths predicament is not a very wise choice, but that's in my humble opinion. Many of us have to go it alone after making an attempt at a permanent relationship. And then there are young women who knowingly put themselves into the hardship of single parenthood.

    It ain't no joke! I've seen women struggling: physically, emotionally, financially...and it makes no sense to me why we as women would purposely put ourselves into such a situation.

    The problem being is that the many young ladies I see out there consider themselves "wifey" and not "wife." There is a distinct difference: a concept which seems to be way over the heads of some of the women who are up and coming.

    By no means do I mean any disrespect; just want them to take a look at consequences of their actions. As my mama used to say: look BEFORE you leap!

  3. You know what hun? i carefully chose to be the mother of my children, To hell what their father calls me because you couldn't pay me to marry him after i learned his secrets. Yes i had considered it with our first child who came suddenly. by the time I realized i couldn't commit my life to this person i had a daughter and a son on the way. shortly after my son was born i decided i was not happy and keeping my lil family together at my expense was not worth it. if he really wanted to be their father he would be from another this day, I'm not a fan of marriage. the world is full of deceitful diseased young men and women and I wan my kids to have a safe way out the minute the truth comes out.

  4. Dee: But with that said, you were prepared to handled what comes with single parenthood. You CHOSE to become a single mother, and knew the responsbiilities associated with going it alone.

    Some young ladies half-wittingly go the route of single parenting without knowing the hardships associated with it. They often become embittered because they've given up so much of their lives trying to raise a family without a partner. Knowing you as the strong individual you are, you are well equipped to face all the challenges that these young ladies aren't.

    It just seems as though there should be someone out there to speak to our young ladies about what single parenthood entails.

  5. I agree Hun I totally agree! It's not for everyone

  6. I don't know, Dee, but it's a strange time. What is now a controversial topic wasn't just a few years ago. How can the tides on any subject can change in a short span of time?

    No, I can't fathom parenting on my own. I don't think I was suited for that task. I commend those who can achieve it; raising well-bred children against the odds. I guess even in families with both parents, there are parenting issues. (lol)

  7. Good post Jones! Good Post! Happy New Year!

  8. I'm a little old-fashioned. I believe in the idea of marriage and family...I just haven't met anyone who was unselfish enough to unhook themselves from the "single life" long enough to venture into it with me. I see how and why some women have gone the route of being single parents over sucking up half-assed mom did it. It's better to raise a child in an environment conducive to healthy rearing than to force a family into a mold that doesn't fit. Yet, I believe that a lot of what's wrong IS the ideas and standards young women have/don't have. Going into situations accepting certain treatment all but ensures a certain outcome.

    Women's lib did a number on our family values...and yes, men helped by saying screw it and allowing the women to take over their role.

    I JUST wrote a blog speaking on the mind set of people who should be married and single...and the BIGGEST problem nowadays is a tie between honesty of intentions and instant gratification. Also, and women need to relearn their basic roles again...and adapt them to the new millennium. Love this blog.

  9. Mister Jaycee: Happy New Year to you, too!

    Da_Kween: Thank you for coming by, and leaving your comment.

    Sometimes my opinion can be unpopular, but I see what I see. Things are totally out of alignment at this point in the game, wherein females go into certain situations KNOWING the outcome. It makes for difficult situations, to say the least, AND angry women! I really don't understand young women these days who knowingly put themselves into a relationship they KNOW won't work. Sometimes things don't work out, and sometimes we know they won't work out, but go for it any way. Doesn't make sense, but that's just me.

    There are no definitive roles, either. I really don't dig men who let women run them over, or women who are the sole support of the family while their men lie around on couches. Men need to work to support the family, too. I think women should have the ability to work, too, but let's face it. SOMEONE needs to be home to receive the children after school. Who will it be?

    I just think many men and women don't "court" someone with the intention of a permanent relationship, just a "hook up." THAT'S the problem! Having sex with someone doesn't constitute a relationship. But again...that's my opinion.

    I'm glad you enjoy the blog. Come by any time. :-)


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